Thailand: Uncensored

Yeah, so we all know I’m biased.  Every time you visit my blog, you think “There she goes again! Telling me how awesome Thailand is blah blah blah blah blah my life is so fantastic!  yadda yadda yadda. Vomit.”

It’s okay, I get it.  So, in the interest of the “big picture,” I’ve compiled a list of what I think my siblings and cousin would consider the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows… what they loved most about Thailand, but also the things they could’ve gone without.  So here it is– Thailand: unbiased and uncensored. This is what happens when your Thai vacation stops being polite and starts getting real.

The names of places: HIGH

Thailand offers no shortage of amusement for the twenty-something-year-old male with the maturity level of an eleven year-old boy.  Enter: my brother Dan.  The key is picking and choosing your preferred pronunciation to attain the desired results.  For example:  the “k” in “Phuket” (usually pronounced “poo-ket”), as you may have guessed, actually belongs in the first syllable of the word, and the “ph” sound should be pronounced as an “f”.  The “et” should just be changed to “it,”  for added sophistication.

Now, in contrast, let’s take a look at Ko Phi Phi.  I think Dan would tell you that the Phi Phi islands, said “pee pee,” are perfect just the way they are, although a spelling correction might be in order.  Same goes for the Phuping Palace up in Chiang Mai.  Sadly, we did not get to see the Phuping Palace and thereby realize this opportunity for comedic gold.  Still, all was not lost- Dan did get a snapshot of the Phuping Police Station.  Thank heavens.

Cats, and all other animals (except spiders):  HIGH

One of the greatest challenges of our travels was keeping an eye on my cousin Danielle to make sure she didn’t try to pocket any stray creatures or hug a rabid dog.  Every time there was a kitty sighting I bade farewell to the next ten minutes of my life while Danielle tried to score a cuddle.  Cats, dogs, tigers, monkeys, lizards, frogs, elephants.  Double points for a baby.  On that ill-fated night that the Phi Phi party scene got the best of me, Dan brought a stray kitty into our bungalow and officially won the title of “Grand Cousin Supreme for Eternity.” Danielle took turns distributing water—a sip for Christine, a lap for the cat, repeat. (Then the boys shut it in a glass cabinet and laughed)

Spiders: LOW

Danielle approached all Thailand’s creatures with big smiles and open arms.  Except spiders.  Thailand had far too many giant arachnids for her taste.  This was a low for Danielle, but a high for the rest of us who got to kick back and enjoy watching her make a scene 🙂

Sticky rice: HIGH for overall goodness; LOW for availability

I told you this stuff was good!  The sibs had their first run-in with the glory that is sticky rice while sitting cross-legged on the floor of a Karen tribal chief’s home.  Our trekking guide dug servings out of a cooler with his bare mid-trek hands and tossed it into our bowls, and just like that, my cousin Danielle’s lust for the sticky starchy goodness began.  Or should I say obsession? Poor girl.  After we left the north, jetting down south in search of fishies and palm trees, sticky rice became no more than a teasing desert mirage in the tropical Thai heat. “Seafood!  Som Tam!  Sticky Rice!” one sign advertised, winning our business with those two magically carbo-loaded words. But, the moment we tried to order it, just like that, the mirage was gone.  They were out, and we had to spend the rest of the day in search of furry creatures to raise her spirits.

Sitting cross-legged: LOW

There are some things in life you take for granted.  Little did I know, the cross-legged position is an elite posture requiring skill and agility that some (ahem, Kevin) just don’t possess.  It is a taboo in Thailand point your feet towards anyone, so stretching the legs out while seated usually isn’t an option. My brother-in-law struggled. Each time Kevin managed to fold himself up, we had to hold our breaths to see if he’d manage to untangle again.

Heat: very high, but LOW

After sweating through his third shirt that day, Kevin requested that next time I up and move somewhere crazy, it be 10 degrees cooler.  He suggested Nebraska.

Prevalence of phalluses: HIGH

No pun intended.  Anyhow, male genitalia seemed to pop up (haha… but that one was!) everywhere on this trip.  A giant sculpture on Ko Phi Phi Don was perhaps the first surprise, but the Phra Nang Cave on Railay Island was especially “happy to see us.” The cave is filled with hundreds upon hundreds of phallic wood carvings– offerings to a seemingly sexually frustrated princess-ghost.  Also, every postcard display we saw down south featured elephants and their, well… “down-souths”.  A local man we met in Khao Sok National Park who went by “Jungle Man” shared a warming tale of a naked man with his head in a tree and a bear hungry for some “fruit.”

Wats (temples): HIGH

A what? A wat!  A what? A wat? A what? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!

Countless opportunities for the cheese factor.  I wish I could say it never got old…

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Stairs: very very high, and yet… LOW

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We climbed so many freaking staircases on this trip!  I do not know where they all came from, but all of the sudden my family showed up and Thailand became one massive uphill climb.  Everywhere we went- temples, guesthouses, look-out points… each one with more stairs than the last.  Around step number fifty-thousand, it started feeling a tad bit masochistic.

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Bangkok Taxi Cabs: LOW

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Bangkok cab drivers are pretty easy going — they’ll let you squish 5 people and all of your luggage into one regular-sized taxi if you can tough out the cramped ride, and meter cab fare is absurdly cheap.  All they ask in return is that you follow their seven simple rules:

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No titty-grabbing, no durian fruit, no alcohol, no foxes, no banging, no weaponry, no farting….

This, of course, didn’t fly for either of the Dans. Danielle was pretty upset to leave her fox behind and Dan had a lot of trouble holding in #7.

… and last but certainly not least…

Peachy: HIGH

Thailand’s got loads of elephants, but Erin and Kevin were lucky to ride the best elephant in all of Thailand.  His name was Peachy and he dominates everything. He’ll be starring alongside Hulky and the gang in The Advengers 2.

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So there you have it, folks! This is the Thailand that the guidebooks don’t tell you about.   Thailand as only a group of siblings/ cousins with a penchant for banal humor and an enthusiasm for each others’ company can experience it.

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Oh, and sorry…you kind of had to be there.